17 month process

Kirk's Garduation

Zach's baptism I was happy to be alive to see this!

The one year anniversary of the bleed.

recertified as a teacher

The book that really got me thinking about what happened to me.

The death of Kirk's mom and my first plane ride.

My Grandma and I at the graveside.

My Uncle Kevin and I

Isabella and resting four weeks after the bleed.

Our first family photo since the bleed in our Bishop's back yard.

This is the very first photo of me seven days out of ICU.  I'm holding my cousin's brand new baby .  I remember sitting a lot because my head was still hurting really bad and my legs were in horrible pain.  I was so thankful to be able to hold a new life!

This would be our final time we saw Grandpa Walker

My aunt Cherie and Cousin Sadie this was our first reunion since the bleed.

Kirk and I one week to the day of the bleed.

My Grandpa who I lost on Valentine's Day!  My heart broke that day because I could not attend his funeral since my doctors would not permit me to travel.  I was very close to him so by far this was one of my most challenging days.

The day I was able to drive!

All of our great friends and we celebrated Kirk's MBA

Holding my cousin's baby.  She was bigger then the first time I held her.

My first party that I attended with headaches

The first time I saw my Grandma since the bleed.

The first time I saw my Grandpa's grave.  It was that day that the reality hit me that he truly was gone.

Some of those fun deductive reasoning excercises

Mother's Day after the bleed.

Isabella enjoying candy that people would give her when they came to care for us.

My Brain.  The first CT after the bleed.

Tender Moment

This precious little girl of mine has taught me so many valuable lessons.  It is amazing the perspective children can give you.

The day of those terrible shootings Isabella came to me this was our conversation.

Isabella:  Mom those children went to live with Heavenly Father right?
Heidi:      Yes they did.
Isabella:   Mom I know those children are ok because they are now living with Heavenly Father and my Grandma Walker lives there too and she was a teacher, and I know she is helping Heavenly Father teach those kids.

After she spoke those words I sat back and reflected for the next hour.  I also e-mailed Kirk at work to inform him of what Isabella just shared with me. It was so amazing how she put all of this together. Her words and thoughts comforted many that day.

Icky Sickies

I have not had any time to post photos on the blog because the kiddos have been sick with influenza type a. Yes they each had a flu shot back in October and yet we are dealing with it.  Zachary was also diagnosed with Asthma and has to do breathing treatments which he dislikes.  This stuff has been nasty.  We are now at the stage where the kiddos are still not ready to go back to school, but are now fighting with one another and I think they miss school. 

I have been very fortunate and have not got it at least not yet.  Typically viruses like this miss me and instead I get rare things like brain bleeds.  Speaking of the bleed my recovery is coming along.  I'm doing several exercises.  They have increased one of my medication's to not only help with my depression but to also help with my attention.  My attention is improving but this medication is causing some more headaches.  Plus I also think it is stress.

Kirk has been doing ok.  He made it through the holidays since his mom's death.  Even though his mom had been struggling for the past few years it is still a difficult loss.  This Saturday would have been his mom's 59th Birthday. 

"The Piano Guys"

Recently I was given a CD called the "The Piano Guys" and I love it.  I have always enjoyed listening to different musical instruments. Here is the link.  My favorite is "Beethoven's 5 secrets"  The kiddos and I listen to this CD over and over again in the car.  They mix beethoven into modern music such as "One Republic" and "Adele" for example. What I like is it is clean and relaxing.    www.thepianoguys.cohttp://thepianoguys.com/portfolio/beethovens-5-scerets/m 

New Beginnings

Tonight we sat as a family discussing everything that happened this year.  We lost a total of four people in our families, continued the recovery of the brain bleed, I was able to drive again, Kirk earned his Master's degree and graduated with high honors, Zachary got Baptized, Zachary learned how to swim, Isabella started preschool and ballet, Kirk got a promotion at work, and I was able to fly in an airplane since the brain bleed! We will say that this has been one of our saddest years, and ironically one of our happiest!  This year we truly have had a piece of Heaven in our home.

Isabella's First Ballet Recital




Isabella and her friend Zoey.  They shared flowers with one another after their ballet recital.

 

In ballet it is tradition to give the ballerina red roses

Dancing away while trying to watch their teacher Miss. Mary

Salt Lake City

On our way back to Seattle we spent a night in Salt Lake City and went to Temple Square to see the Christmas lights.  The photos do not give them justice but it was very pretty.  We also had the opportunity to go into The North Vistor's Center and watch a video about family.  Since the loss of Kirk's mom, this was a very spiritual experience for our family and we all walked away from Temple Square with tears streamming down our cheeks. It was the perfect ending.  Enjoy our photos!

Temple Square Salt Lake CIty

We Wish

You

A

Merry

Christmas

and

a

Happy

and

Healthy

New Year!!!!!!!

Wonderful Advice

"It will all be fine, I promise. Those labels give other people the power to reach out and help those two adorable boys. Those labels also make the school district more accountable for an educational program that will meet their needs. Someday they'll be finishing up post secondary education somewhere, just like John, and you'll look at your boys with incredible love, respect, and awe of how they've grown up WITH their issues, and made it through the maze."

LOVE IT!!!!  Tonight when I was checking out facebook one of my friend's wrote about her concern for her kiddos.  I read this comment that one of her friend's wrote and I thought I'm sharing this on the blog.  What a true and accurate way to define "lables" and their purpose.  So often in society, people get caught up into the harm that "lables" may cause instead of the help that they provide.  There you have it my special ed soapbox of the night!

The trip out to Idaho

The trip to Idaho and our visit was also very enetertaining.  The morning that we flew out of Seattle the plane started to take off and I felt very dizzy and held my head for the first 15 minutes of the journey, but once we were in the sky I was fine.  Then we landed and I was dizzy again and held my head for a while, but quickly my head felt normal again.  As we were exiting the plane I looked back and discovered that we had a crimminal who was sitting behind me and the kiddos. (Kirk was in the next row over)  There was also a US Marshall next to the crimminal, who was cuffed and all.  Needless to say, we did not share that with Zach right away.  Once we arrived in Idaho, the night of the viewing Kirk lost his wallet.  We had to cancel our bank cards; however, to our relief three hours later Kirk found his wallet.  The day of the funeral, Kirk and Zach drove our rental car over to Kohls to pick up a couple of items, when they were driving back they had a tire blow out.  Thankfully we arrived on time for the funeral.  For sure a trip to remember!

"I Stand all Amazed at the Love Jesus Offers Me"

Words to a hymn that I find comforting in times of suffering and loss.  As many of you know Kirk lost his mother November 28, 2012, from complications of surgery. This is a photo of the funeral program and her wedding ring that my father-in-law gave to me to give to Isabella on her 16th Birthday.  The service was truly remarkable.  Kirk spoke and did a wonderful job.  My father-in-law asked Zachary to be a pall bearer and Kirk and I talked to Zachary about it and told him that it was his choice and at the young age of 8 decided that he wanted too and he did great!  I was so touched watching Kirk and Zachary carry the casket.  I observed tears streamming down Zachary's face and he shared with me, "Even though he did not see his Grandmother that often he felt her love."  I feel so blessed to be the mother to a remarkable son.  On the behalf of our family, we would like to thank everyone for their love, support, cards, and flowers.  We truly have felt loved and comforted during this time.

In Memory of our Mother and Grandmother

This says it all for this year and is hanging on our tree

The Eye of the Storm

Oh My!  Today Isabella and I took a drive up to Bellevue it was raining hard; however, when we left to turn around to go home it was a down pour on I 405 and I 90.  I could not see anything ahead of us and it was like we were driving into a river.  There was also a hevay wind storm and not many of the stop lights were working.  I truly thought we would be in an accident and I was just waiting for a car to come along and hit us.  As I was driving, I quickly decided to get into the far right lane and take the next exit which was the Mercer Island Exit.  During this time, I was keeping myself calm, listening about the storm on Komo 4 radio, and praying out loud that we would be safe.  We safely arrived to Mercer Island where we sat in the car for one hour waiting for the rain to let up.  I could not get a hold of Kirk so from my phone I quickly posted a message on facebook and thankfully many of my friends saw that we were stuck on Mercer Island and called Kirk to notify him where we were at so he was not worried.  I was truly grateful to have my phone, access to the internet, and a facebook account where I could quickly post a message letting others know what happened so that they could pass the word along to Kirk!  Thank you!  By the way Isabella told me she "never wants to go to Mercer Island again."  I was thankful that we found a safe location and we eventually arrived home safely.  I admit deep down inside I was very scared, but I knew I had to keep my attention focused and remain calm for myself and Isabella.  Someone truly helped me during that moment today.

Mom and Son Time Together

I took Zachary out dinner to his favorite restaurant "AppleBees"

Rain, Rain, Go Away......

This is one of Isabella's little friend's at preschool.  They are on a field trip together

Please Read

They are doing another fund raiser for my friend's relative Natalie.  If you would like to help please click on the pledgie box.  Here is a letter that one of Natalie's friend's wrote.  Thank You!

Dear Family & Friends,




I HATE CANCER!! There, now i said it. Most of you know about my battle

with Stage III Breast Cancer. it was an utter shock to my husband and i,

and an overwhelming trial for our family. After chemo, a mastectomy, radiation,

more surgeries, etc., etc., i am grateful to say i am now in remission.

(Yipee!! Except for those yucky pills i still have to take for YEARS which give

me menopausal symptoms—let me tell you, Hot Flashes are Horrid!) Cancer

was hell, but i’ve survived the battle. i will be forever grateful to all those

who i know and love, and all the many that i didn’t even know who prayed for

our family, and helped us in any way.



Now i’m fighting cancer again, i’m just not the one who is sick. My long-time,

dear friend of 20 years, Natalie Lemon Lundberg, has been diagnosed with Stage

IV Cholangiocarcinoma Cancer that has spread from her bile ducts to her liver,

pancreas, lungs, and at least 3 sets of her lymph nodes. She just turned 34

years old.



Can you please help her to be able to MAKE MEMORIES with her family?

Anything and everything would be appreciated. Just because you don’t know

Natalie, doesn’t mean you can’t empathize for the situation that she and her

family are bravely facing. Her time is short…



For however long Natalie has with her family, which we hope is a long time yet,

i have a goal, that i hope you can help with. My goal is that she have

the opportunity, financially, to do all that she wants to with her family, in

the time she has left. Go to DisneyLand, like she’s always dreamed of;

take trips to the Hoogle Zoo; purchase airline tickets for her extended family,

most of whom live out of state; pay for gas and car maintenance so that they

can go all the places they need to safely; etc.



Natalie and i grew up together in Littleton, Colorado and through all the time

and changes that life brings, have remained very close. Currently i live

in Henrieville, Utah, a small town near Bryce Canyon National Park, and Natalie

and her family live in Spanish Fork, Utah, roughly about 4 hours from each

other. She and her husband, Ted have been married 5 years, and have a 4

year old son, Colton, and a 1 year old daughter, Ella. They are an

amazing family! Natalie has been lucky enough to pursue her dream of

becoming a photographer, despite her young family. (Here is her website, you

can see for yourself how gifted she is! http://www.natalielundberg.com/

) Unfortunately though, there are some things in Life we cannot

foresee. Please help, this young mother and her family anyway you can.



Thank you,

Sincerely~



Logann Marx Eagar,

Natalie’s Sister (in all but blood)

Family Update

I'm up with Isabella because she's not feeling well so I decide to catch up a little on the blog.  Sorry I have no photos right now.

Life is truly never dull in the Walker home!

Kirk:  This past week, he earned a promotion and raise at work.  This was an incredible Thanksgiving gift!!!  Since the Master's and brain bleed, we have been praying and pondering about where I family needed to be, and it looks like we will for sure settle in the Seattle area for a while. I think besides finishing the Master's degree this has been the best news in the past 15 months! On a more serious side Kirk's mother has been very ill and had surgery this past week.  On Friday we got a call and we were told that they could not wean her off life support.  However, over the weekend they were able to remove life support, but she is still in ICU and very ill.  Currently we are taking it one day at a time and we hope everything starts improving.  As for now we decided tonight to stay in Seattle and wait and see how she does in the next few days. 

Heidi:  Still in therapies and the recovery is going well.  My leg that was hurt is slowly feeling better.  I'm also back advocating for writing services for Zachary at school.  This week Zachary's Neuro-Psy Dr. Fay is coming to the school, and we are having a huge team meeting.  It has been good for me to have to use my special ed skills again.  This month has seriously been amazing for me.  Even though everything has been hectic and crazy I have been amazed of how everything has come together for our small family in the past 2 weeks.  I had someone, whom I have great respect for share with me how they experienced a brain bleed, and today when I sit and listen to this person talk and see what they have become I would have never guessed they had gone through that experience.  This has given more strength and courage to keep moving in my recovery, and then when Kirk came home and shared his positive news  it was ideal timing.

Zachary: I'm so thankful for his classroom teacher this year and Mrs. Burnette  His reading level has been coming up, and these two ladies have really helped him.  The other day Mrs. Burnette showed me a book that she bought Zachary called "Zachary's Zebra"  She truly enjoys working with Zachary and it makes happy to see that.  Zachary also has been enjoying playing with his hotwheel cars.  I really believe his future career is going to be something related to cars. He is also enjoying math and loves to work in extra workbooks that I buy him.

Isabella:  She is my social butterfly and has several "boyfriends" is what she refers to the little boys who she talks too.  One little boy has been begging her to come over to his house for a playdate.  Every day when I pick her up from preschool this little guy has a huge smile and tells her goodbye.  Her two best friends are Kiera and Tiernany.  She is also doing ballet and will have her first dance recital December 9th.  They are dancing to "What a Wonderful World"  Her teacher told me that she is very skilled in ballet, and Isabella loves it!

Being Mindful Another lesson that I'm trying to grasp since the bleed

"Mindfulness is a way of being present with what is happening to me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually right now."



Mindful is the word I'm grasping onto right now.  Some may know or others may not know, but a few nights back I had a bad fall.  I was coming home from the grocery store and was carrying three bags, and feeling dizzy I decided to take the wet grass instead of the walk way, and guess what? I lost my balance and sprained my left ankle and knee.  This is the same ankle that I broke a few years ago and the left side is also the side that was effected by the brain bleed.  Needless to say, we had a trip to the ER where the doctor ran an EKG, a CT scan, and a lot of x-rays on my leg.  Thankfully nothing was broken, but I'm still having trouble and walking and it hurts!  While I was in the ER, I met a very kind and wise x-ray tech who took the time to briefly visit with me.  She shared with me how her sister has a very painful disease and it has changed her life style, and one way her sister was coping with this hardship was by being mindful.  She told me she really wanted me to roll that word around in my brain, and to really stop and think about how I had to adjust my life now since the bleed.  For example, not carrying in bags of groceries, wearing good shoes, recognizing when I'm dizzy and fatigued.  Since my entire left leg has hurt for the past four days, I have had time to sit and really think about that word, and practice applying to my life.  I also recognize how profoundly important it is for me to really keep working on my attention skills so that I'm able to focus and stop and recognize how I'm feeling and what I am doing.  Here are the examples

1.  Went to the ENT doctor yesterday evidently now the bleed has effected my hearing and they want to do surgery.  After the surgery is done I could have weeks of being dizzy, not that I don't already experience this.  It also has some risks, and I will eventually have to have the surgery, but it is not critical right now so I was mindful and Kirk and I decided to wait.  I shared with Kirk that right now emotionally I'm exhausted and I have been through enough for now.  I will consider the surgery in the next 6 to 12 months.  Heaven only knows I do not need any other issues or health related problems right now.

2.  When my leg is hurting, recognizing that I need to sit and rest it for a while, and not worrying about getting the housework done right now.

3.  Currently we are also advocating for Zachary to get writing services at school.  I have recognized that Zach needs help in this area, and I have had to gather a lot of information from the school, but I recognize that all of the advocating is a lot of work and Kirk and I have chosen to hire Dr. Gayle Fay to come and talk to the school about Zachary's needs. 

Overall, I'm learning that bleed has changed my life and I consistently need to be mindful about how I am doing.  I know that I have been striving so hard to get back to where I was at prior to the bleed, but in ways that is living in the past and it is not living in the present.  Presently, I should not be hauling in groceries from the car, and when I'm dizzy I need to sit down.  Mindfulness is the word!