Three years ago today.
Tonight as a family we watched the movie "Heaven is for Real." During the movie Zach walked over and crawled up on my lap and asked me, "Mommy did you see Heaven during the brain bleed?" My reply was, "no but I felt Heaven." Memories and feelings flooded my brain as I thought back to the night of the brain bleed. I remember lying down on my back looking up at the CT machine. I was experiencing unimaginable pain, and thinking to myself please let me die? Tears were streaking down my face as they pulled me out of the CT machine, and more then willing to give me more hydromorhine. That moment I knew something terribly was wrong, and began to realize this was out of my control. They wheeled me back to my room when the ER doctor came rushing in and explained to me what was happening. My question was, "Am I going to die?" His reply was "we are going to do everything we can." That moment more tears came down my face as I thought about the next day was Zach's first day of first grade. Isabella was so young would she ever remember me? And there was Kirk now facing the reality of raising two children on his own. Then I began to feel the physical pain I was enduring and once again I wanted to go back to my Heavenly home.
They wheeled my bed upstairs to the the critical care unit, They immediately attached a blood pressure cuff, a heart mointor, oxygen, and other wires and tubes. The alarms of the machines were going off and they were shoving two large beta blockers down my throat and injecting medications through my IVs s to quiet the alarms. Another doctor arrived and he said, "Mrs. Walker you have a potentially fatal condition." Tears ran down my face yet again as I realized my reality. Here I was lying in a hospital and possibly facing death. Feelings of anxiety struck me as I was quickly reviewing my life and asking myself if I was ready for death? Within moments of feeling anxiety, a very calming, peaceful, and loving feeling encircled my spirit. I suddenly felt a deep love for the doctors and nurses who were attempting to save my life, and also the realization that they were not charge. Feelings of reassurance filled my brain regarding my children and Kirk. Some how I knew and felt that if I was going to be called home it was because I needed to be home. Fear was now replaced with peacefulness as I imagined my Father in Heaven holding me. As the alarms began to go off yet again, I felt the presence of others, who I could not see near me. I thought it is all going to be alright and Heaven is real and very near.
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