My little cousin decided that he wanted to serve a mission for our Church and he is going to be serving in New Mexico. Connelly is from the batch of cousins who are like my brothers and sisters so this for me is like sending my baby brother away. We will not see him for two years and we will be able to get letters and e-mails from him about once a week.
Today was the day he left. However, we are all proud and excited for him even though we will miss him like crazy!
Connelly was born when my cousin Sadie and I were Seniors in High School. Technically speaking we would have been old enough to be his mothers, but in reality way to young to be his mothers so we are his very much older sisters and I will not say how old we will be when he returns!
Connelly was a kiddo who had to work very hard in school and he was able to overcome several obstacles! I do not think I have ever shared with him how much respect I have for him and his trials have become his true strengths. Connelly has so much love to offer people and I know he has a deep love for our Savior. I'm so excited for him to have all of these experiences! He is a great 19 year old boy but when he comes back he is going to be a better man.
Dear Connelly,
You will read this post in about a week. Like I said above we are so happy for you! Connelly I know this mission will bring blessings to your life now and well into the future. You are such a strong example to all of us. The people in New Mexico are lucky to have you! I will even keep the blog updated so you can read about our fun and eventful lives in Seattle! We love you and are thinking and praying for you. We are so proud of you! Ok Con we are now done with all of the mushy stuff!
Love,
The Sleepless in Seattle Fam!!!
every trial in my life has brought me to THIS place.....a place where nothing is perfect but everything is great. i wouldn't change a thing. OK MAYBE A FEW THINGS!!!!
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Another Celebration
Since I announced my news on facebook, I thought I should also share it on the blog. I went to the doctor the other day and I'm now free to do whatever I want, for however long I want, and entirely on my own at the gym! Let me tell you this brought music to my ears! It has been 17 months full of restrictions and I now get to fully go back to all of my prior excercise routines. Some people dread the gym, I love it! For privacy purposes, I have elected to go to a different gym. Too many people at my home gym would ask me sometimes well intention questions about what happened to me, and how it was "so sad that I had to start over again to gain back my super fit body." I heard that comment several times and at first I would ignore until I realized that this bothered me and there was another layer of the bleed that I needed to confront, and even cry about.
In my times of trial I try to look for the good and what I'm learning from all of this. I have found many positive things about the bleed and have recognized God's hand. However, today as I was driving down 132nd I started to thinking about how angry I felt because I now have to start at square one to get my body back to where it was prior to the bleed and this time not only did I have my thyroid against me I'm now on beta blockers which one of the main side effects is weight gain. However, the beta blockers I have to take probably for life because of the bleed. In my mind I thought about seriously why did this even happen to me? Up to the day of the bleed, I excercised six days a week, I could run five miles in 30 minutes, I was getting ready to take a ballet class with Isabella, my blood work was perfect, I did not smoke or drink, I ate well, and my depression that I had struggled with for years was finally lifting then the bleed happened....
When Kirk arrived home from work tonight, I was crying. He was like what happened? I shared with him how I have loved going back to the gym and how good it felt to be doing my own workout routine again. However, I told him that I recognized that I have a long ways to go to get my body back into shape from where I was and by golly I did not in any way ask for this to happen, and did not deserve the bleed. The question was then posed why did this happen to a happy and healthy mother, who took care of herself? I also shared with him how I resented the fact that I had to start all the way over and how I was not only battling thyroid issues but I was also battling beta blockers and yet I knew I had to take the medication because the headaches had to be controlled, and I could not afford to have another vein burst in my head let along an artery. I shared with him how I would feel different if I chose to let my body go, but I did not choose the bleed and everything it brought to me.
After I got this out, I started to feel better and Kirk and I sat down together and started to formulate a plan. It also helped that he recognized my feelings and told me that he believed why I maybe feeling this way is because on August 31st my life literally stopped and one of the main activities that I loved was taken. However, he shared with me that my neuro-surgeon told him that he felt one of the reasons why I lived that night was because my body was in such great condition. Kirk assured me that however long it takes my body will be there and he thought that it was wonderful that I was attending a gym where nobody knew me and who I was prior to the bleed. Tonight he encouarged me to drive back to the gym and to do an activity there that I loved. As I walked into the gym, ironically I heard OneRepublic's song "Its Gonna be a Good Life" playing I think that song will be my new gym and this year's main mantra. When I arrived home, Kirk was reviewing photos from last year. He showed me how far I had come since the bleed , and not to mention the losses we had to face. He also showed me the photo that was taken of me holding my cousin's new baby seven days out of ICU. He pointed out to me that I still had a grayish look to my skin, but now to look at me today there is color to my skin. He told me "Heidi you can do hard things and you will find greater happiness then you knew ever existed."
This week another milestone reached! I still have no idea when I will be done processing the bleed, but that is not what is important. What is important is I continue to allow myself to "feel" and work through my positive and negative feelings about the bleed. Kirk is right the night of August 31, 2011 my previous life stopped. Grieving for something or someone is a rocky road. In my case I'm grieving for my previous life and my Grandfather. I soarly miss them both, but I have been given the opportunity this week to get back some of my old activities. That is something I'm very grateful for.
In my times of trial I try to look for the good and what I'm learning from all of this. I have found many positive things about the bleed and have recognized God's hand. However, today as I was driving down 132nd I started to thinking about how angry I felt because I now have to start at square one to get my body back to where it was prior to the bleed and this time not only did I have my thyroid against me I'm now on beta blockers which one of the main side effects is weight gain. However, the beta blockers I have to take probably for life because of the bleed. In my mind I thought about seriously why did this even happen to me? Up to the day of the bleed, I excercised six days a week, I could run five miles in 30 minutes, I was getting ready to take a ballet class with Isabella, my blood work was perfect, I did not smoke or drink, I ate well, and my depression that I had struggled with for years was finally lifting then the bleed happened....
When Kirk arrived home from work tonight, I was crying. He was like what happened? I shared with him how I have loved going back to the gym and how good it felt to be doing my own workout routine again. However, I told him that I recognized that I have a long ways to go to get my body back into shape from where I was and by golly I did not in any way ask for this to happen, and did not deserve the bleed. The question was then posed why did this happen to a happy and healthy mother, who took care of herself? I also shared with him how I resented the fact that I had to start all the way over and how I was not only battling thyroid issues but I was also battling beta blockers and yet I knew I had to take the medication because the headaches had to be controlled, and I could not afford to have another vein burst in my head let along an artery. I shared with him how I would feel different if I chose to let my body go, but I did not choose the bleed and everything it brought to me.
After I got this out, I started to feel better and Kirk and I sat down together and started to formulate a plan. It also helped that he recognized my feelings and told me that he believed why I maybe feeling this way is because on August 31st my life literally stopped and one of the main activities that I loved was taken. However, he shared with me that my neuro-surgeon told him that he felt one of the reasons why I lived that night was because my body was in such great condition. Kirk assured me that however long it takes my body will be there and he thought that it was wonderful that I was attending a gym where nobody knew me and who I was prior to the bleed. Tonight he encouarged me to drive back to the gym and to do an activity there that I loved. As I walked into the gym, ironically I heard OneRepublic's song "Its Gonna be a Good Life" playing I think that song will be my new gym and this year's main mantra. When I arrived home, Kirk was reviewing photos from last year. He showed me how far I had come since the bleed , and not to mention the losses we had to face. He also showed me the photo that was taken of me holding my cousin's new baby seven days out of ICU. He pointed out to me that I still had a grayish look to my skin, but now to look at me today there is color to my skin. He told me "Heidi you can do hard things and you will find greater happiness then you knew ever existed."
This week another milestone reached! I still have no idea when I will be done processing the bleed, but that is not what is important. What is important is I continue to allow myself to "feel" and work through my positive and negative feelings about the bleed. Kirk is right the night of August 31, 2011 my previous life stopped. Grieving for something or someone is a rocky road. In my case I'm grieving for my previous life and my Grandfather. I soarly miss them both, but I have been given the opportunity this week to get back some of my old activities. That is something I'm very grateful for.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
17 month process
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| Kirk's Garduation |
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| Zach's baptism I was happy to be alive to see this! |
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| The one year anniversary of the bleed. |
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| recertified as a teacher |
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| The book that really got me thinking about what happened to me. |
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| The death of Kirk's mom and my first plane ride. |
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| My Grandma and I at the graveside. |
My Uncle Kevin and I
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| Isabella and resting four weeks after the bleed. |
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| Our first family photo since the bleed in our Bishop's back yard. |
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| This is the very first photo of me seven days out of ICU. I'm holding my cousin's brand new baby . I remember sitting a lot because my head was still hurting really bad and my legs were in horrible pain. I was so thankful to be able to hold a new life! |
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| This would be our final time we saw Grandpa Walker |
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| My aunt Cherie and Cousin Sadie this was our first reunion since the bleed. |
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| Kirk and I one week to the day of the bleed. |
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| My Grandpa who I lost on Valentine's Day! My heart broke that day because I could not attend his funeral since my doctors would not permit me to travel. I was very close to him so by far this was one of my most challenging days. |
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| The day I was able to drive! |
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| All of our great friends and we celebrated Kirk's MBA |
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| Holding my cousin's baby. She was bigger then the first time I held her. |
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| My first party that I attended with headaches |
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| The first time I saw my Grandma since the bleed. |
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| The first time I saw my Grandpa's grave. It was that day that the reality hit me that he truly was gone. |
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| Some of those fun deductive reasoning excercises |
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| Mother's Day after the bleed. |
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| Isabella enjoying candy that people would give her when they came to care for us. |
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| My Brain. The first CT after the bleed. |
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Tender Moment
The day of those terrible shootings Isabella came to me this was our conversation.
Isabella: Mom those children went to live with Heavenly Father right?
Heidi: Yes they did.
Isabella: Mom I know those children are ok because they are now living with Heavenly Father and my Grandma Walker lives there too and she was a teacher, and I know she is helping Heavenly Father teach those kids.
After she spoke those words I sat back and reflected for the next hour. I also e-mailed Kirk at work to inform him of what Isabella just shared with me. It was so amazing how she put all of this together. Her words and thoughts comforted many that day.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Icky Sickies
I have not had any time to post photos on the blog because the kiddos have been sick with influenza type a. Yes they each had a flu shot back in October and yet we are dealing with it. Zachary was also diagnosed with Asthma and has to do breathing treatments which he dislikes. This stuff has been nasty. We are now at the stage where the kiddos are still not ready to go back to school, but are now fighting with one another and I think they miss school.
I have been very fortunate and have not got it at least not yet. Typically viruses like this miss me and instead I get rare things like brain bleeds. Speaking of the bleed my recovery is coming along. I'm doing several exercises. They have increased one of my medication's to not only help with my depression but to also help with my attention. My attention is improving but this medication is causing some more headaches. Plus I also think it is stress.
Kirk has been doing ok. He made it through the holidays since his mom's death. Even though his mom had been struggling for the past few years it is still a difficult loss. This Saturday would have been his mom's 59th Birthday.
I have been very fortunate and have not got it at least not yet. Typically viruses like this miss me and instead I get rare things like brain bleeds. Speaking of the bleed my recovery is coming along. I'm doing several exercises. They have increased one of my medication's to not only help with my depression but to also help with my attention. My attention is improving but this medication is causing some more headaches. Plus I also think it is stress.
Kirk has been doing ok. He made it through the holidays since his mom's death. Even though his mom had been struggling for the past few years it is still a difficult loss. This Saturday would have been his mom's 59th Birthday.
"The Piano Guys"
Recently I was given a CD called the "The Piano Guys" and I love it. I have always enjoyed listening to different musical instruments. Here is the link. My favorite is "Beethoven's 5 secrets" The kiddos and I listen to this CD over and over again in the car. They mix beethoven into modern music such as "One Republic" and "Adele" for example. What I like is it is clean and relaxing. www.thepianoguys.cohttp://thepianoguys.com/portfolio/beethovens-5-scerets/m
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