Another Celebration

Since I announced my news on facebook, I thought I should also share it on the blog.  I went to the doctor the other day and I'm now free to do whatever I want, for however long I want, and entirely on my own at the gym!  Let me tell you this brought music to my ears!  It has been 17 months full of restrictions and I now get to fully go back to all of my prior excercise routines.  Some people dread the gym, I love it!  For privacy purposes, I have elected to go to a different gym.  Too many people at my home gym would ask me sometimes well intention questions about what happened to me, and how it was "so sad that I had to start over again to gain back my super fit body."  I heard that comment several times and at first I would ignore until I realized that this bothered me and there was another layer of the bleed that I needed to confront, and even cry about.

In my times of trial I try to look for the good and what I'm learning from all of this.  I have found many positive things about the bleed and have recognized God's hand.  However, today as I was driving down 132nd  I started to thinking about how angry I felt because I now have to start at square one to get my body back to where it was prior to the bleed and this time not only did I have my thyroid against me I'm now on beta blockers which one of the main side effects is weight gain.  However, the beta blockers I have to take probably for life because of the bleed.  In my mind I thought about seriously why did this even happen to me?  Up to the day of the bleed, I excercised six days a week, I could run five miles in 30 minutes, I was getting ready to take a ballet class with Isabella, my blood work was perfect, I did not smoke or drink, I ate well, and my depression that I had struggled with for years was finally lifting then the bleed happened.... 

When Kirk arrived home from work tonight, I was crying. He was like what happened?  I shared with him how I have loved going back to the gym and how good it felt to be doing my own workout routine again.  However, I told him that I recognized that I have a long ways to go to get my body back into shape from where I was and by golly I did not in any way ask for this to happen, and did not deserve the bleed.  The question was then posed why did this happen to a happy and healthy mother, who took care of herself?  I also shared with him how I resented the fact that I had to start all the way over and how I was not only battling thyroid issues but I was also battling beta blockers and yet I knew I had to take the medication because the headaches had to be controlled, and I could not afford to have another vein burst in my head let along an artery.  I shared with him how I would feel different if I chose to let my body go, but I did not choose the bleed and everything it brought to me.

After I got this out, I started to feel better and Kirk and I sat down together and started to formulate a plan.  It also helped that he recognized my feelings and told me that he believed why I maybe feeling this way is because on August 31st my life literally stopped and one of the main activities that I loved was taken.  However, he shared with me that my neuro-surgeon told him that he felt one of the reasons why I  lived that night was because my body was in such great condition.  Kirk assured me that however long it takes my body will be there and he thought that it was wonderful that I was attending a gym where nobody knew me and who I was prior to the bleed.  Tonight he encouarged me to drive back to the gym and to do an activity there that I loved.  As I walked into the gym, ironically I heard OneRepublic's song "Its Gonna be a Good Life" playing  I think that song will be my new gym and this year's main mantra.  When I arrived home, Kirk was reviewing photos from last year.  He showed me how far I had come since the bleed , and not to mention the losses we had to face. He also showed me the photo that was taken of me holding my cousin's new baby seven days out of ICU.  He pointed out to me that I still had a grayish look to my skin, but now to look at me today there is color to my skin.  He told me "Heidi you can do hard things and you will find greater happiness then you knew ever existed."

This week another milestone reached!  I still have no idea when I will be done processing the bleed, but that is not what is important.  What is important is I continue to allow myself to "feel" and work through my positive and negative feelings about the bleed. Kirk is right the night of August 31, 2011 my previous life stopped.  Grieving for something or someone is a rocky road.  In my case I'm grieving for my previous life and my Grandfather.  I soarly miss them both, but I have been given the opportunity this week to get back some of my old activities.  That is something I'm very grateful for.