Never Alone

The other day one of talented friend's played and sang the song "Never Alone" for me. She said that she found the song and wanted to sing it for me. We were able to find the song on my tube so this is the first song you will hear on the blog. This was very touching to me.

Brain Update

I can't believe how many appointments one can have in a day! This is what my life is made up of right now. Today I went to Physical Therapy and my physical therapist took me for a walk outside. It was nice to walk in the sunshine, but awkward to have a gait belt around waist in case if I fall. I felt so old and told my therapist that, but he said it is for safety. I came back in and they exercised my left arm, which is still a little numb and heavy. I also saw my internal medicine doctor, Dr. Lucy this week, and had the opportunity to see her for forty five minutes. She has been having me come to her office every 12 days and the visits are 45 minutes. She checks my blood pressure, vision, coordination, balance, heart, lungs, etc. Needless to say, we are getting to know her very well. This week we also received our first statement, and lets just say staying in ICU costs about 11,000 dollars a day. Thank heavens for insurance. Next Monday I'm scheduled for another CT scan followed by the Neurologist on Thursday. I'm still on all of my restrictions and Dr. Lucy prescribed a medication to help me with my balance and it has been working. I'm on a ton of medication, but I know that it will help me progress, and I'm grateful for medications. I also sleep for about 12 to 14 hours a day which helps the headaches and helps my brain heal.

On the bright side, yesterday I got the opportunity to spend four hours with my friend Shaunna and it was very nice. She's quiet and calm. I have never meant a more Christ-like woman in my life. It was a very uplifting visit. Today my friend Cindy came and took me out for a hour. Cindy has away of adding humor and spice to life. Tonight when Kirk was at class, my friend's daughter came over to care for Zachary and Isabella and they truly enjoyed their time with her. Next week many of my friends are helping me with my family. We have received so much love and support from family and friends and I really do not know how we are going to repay each of you. I'm still in shock that this happened. However, I recognize my blessings such as being alive, being able to swallow, being able to talk, walk, and all of my other abilities. This event has truly caused Kirk and I to reflect about life.

Tonight we received a card from some friends and I will share some of the thoughts that they shared with our family because it really sums everything up.

1. Dear Heidi and Kirk, "Hope lives around every corner, behind every cloud, inside every failure. Believe in hope. Look for it and you'll find it when you need it most."

2. Heidi and Kirk, "My family is here for you. Looking foreward to seeing your celebrations in the near future."

3. Dear Heidi and Kirk, "Thinking of you both as you continue on your journey through new challeges. Wish you energy, peace, strength, and rest. With the victory of having walked through the valley of the shawdow."

Please keep us keep us in your prayers and lets hope for a clean CT scan next week!

Life can sometimes be a real Headache!

Since three weeks has passed since the stroke, I'm beginning to embrace the headaches that I feel daily. Some hours are good while other hours I have to sleep. The past week, I have visited with some friends and one of them wanted to understand why this happened to me? I had to explain that the doctors do not know why a Perimesencecephalic hemorrhage happens to people and they will not ever know why. Many people have shared many reasons why this happened; however, they simply just do not know why this type of stroke happens. Right now I'm trying to embrace the fact that I did not cause or bring this on so I would kindly appreciate it if others would not speculate with me about the causes of this event, but instead help me focus on a positive recovery. I know when near fatal events happen people want to know and understand why because they are concerned about you, but I'm letting you know that sometimes there are simply no answers. Last night I was listening to women's conference and I read this quote it reads

"No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you, with an infinite love."—President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I know that my Heavenly Father has not forgotten me especially during this time in my life. I also know like many of you I would like to have answers to why this happened, but the answers are not there; however, I know my Father in Heaven along with many of you are there with me during my recovery progress. I think one of the trials of this stroke is embracing the fact that there are no answers, but over time the prognosis is good.

Family Time

Today we got together with my cousin Jeni and her kiddos. We went for a little walk on a boardwalk in Federal Way. It felt nice to get out and walk around today. I'm so happy that my cousin lives close by.

Slow Motion

Well it has been three weeks since the bleed, and I cannot believe how everything around me seems to be in slow motion. The other day I sat in a meeting at the school about Zachary and I found it difficult to process all of the information that was being shared with Kirk and I. However, Zachary's team was very good, and actually made sure eveything was in place for him. In fact Zachary's Speech Therpaist at the end of the meeting touched my hand and said, "Heidi I can tell that you are struggling with processing all of this information she then went on and shared with me how she experienced a brain bleed and the challenges and changes that it brought into her personal life. She said one thing about a brain bleed is that you never walk away the same person that you were before the bleed. I told her that I believed that and that I was working on coming to terms with that. The other day when I saw one of my doctor's she said "Heidi you are like a seed right now trying to sprout roots. Kirk and I together are also trying to process the whole event. The intial shock is over and now we are trying to gather up all of the scattered pieces so eventally we can put the puzzle together. The other day I was listening to the radio and I heard the song, "Just Breathe" and I thought that is what I must do right now. I will have to take one step and one day at a time and just breathe.

The Smile is slowly coming back

Today I went in and saw one of my doctor's who has been helping me and she said, "Well it looks like your beatiful smile is coming back." I told her the sun is shining in Seattle today so that is a great reason to smile! The headaches still exist along with some body pain, and of course the left side weakness. I feel like I'm in the body of a 70 year old instead of a 36 year old, but I remind myself to be patient and each day I'll be stronger. I'm so glad that Kirk has had the opportunity to be home with me for the next two weeks. I love him so deeply and he has been wonderful and supportive to me through all of this. I can see this has also been difficult for him, but he has been a real trooper.

Happy Moments

After going through a potentially fatal event nothing is more peaceful then holding a new life. Four weeks ago my cousin, who just moved here, gave birth to a baby girl named Melissa. Melissa was the first thing that I have got to hold since the stroke. It was very healing and peaceful. During this time I'm so grateful that my cousin lives so close by. She said the day she was flying from Alaska into Seattle she was watching from the plane all of the updates on facebook about what was happening. Ironically days before this happened I offered to come and meet her at the airport. However, luckily 11 days later we met at a park where I got to hold her new baby. As you can see zachary also loved baby Melissa.

Healthy Journey #2

One change that I have seen in myself since the stroke is it has made me really enjoy the small moments in life. Right now I have a lot of sit down time, but when I watch my children play it makes me thankful to be alive. Material things do not matter to me right now I just enjoy listening to my children laugh, cry, argue, and talk. I also truly enjoy just sitting back and listening to them talk about their lives. I look at them daily and thank God that he decided to not call home at this time, but instead he has allowed me to remain on earth fulfilling my purpose. Today the stroke has reminded me to live and love each precious moment of life!

Healthy Journey #1

One of Zachary's doctor's gave me a CD with a meditation to help me sleep. I used it this afternoon and took a three hour nap. They still have me on pain medication, but it was nice to listen to something. Update: PT says the left side is moderatley weak, but should improve. The pain I'm feeling from the waist down is neurologic and it could take a while. I was able to walk 15 minutes straight today. Hooray!

How quickly life changed for our family on August 31st. I'm thankful to still be ALIVE!

I looked back at my post from last Wednesday hours before I would suffer a brain bleed (Stroke) and be placed in the ICU for four days wondering if I was going to be alive to see my son's First grade year and watch Isabella grow. Well tonight I'm writing so I'm still alive and looking ahead to my long recovery journey.

Kirk and my family and friends kept many of you updated on facebook, and so many of you are aware of the story, but for those of you who are not here it is. After I post the story, I do not care to share it again, but instead focus on my recovery journey. The story is painful and tearful for me and my family, but I'm so tired of telling people over and over again the story so here it is. I also would love to thank each of you for all of your love and support. I know this was very shocking for us as well as you. I know that I will be dealing with my feelings for along time. Please also be patient when you read this. I'm still suffering from headaches, and low body aches. I also feel that my brain is not as fast as it used to be but that will recover in time. I know for certainty that Christ is carrying me now and will see this with me to the end.

The night of August 31st I was outside speaking to my neighbor when all of the sudden the worst headache came over me. I also started throwing up and felt very dizzy. I did not want to scare my neighbor so I excused myself and told her that I had to go home. While walking home I started to lose my balance and quickly laid myself on the grass. My neighbor saw me and called 911. I was taken to the hospital where they ran two CT scans and discovered a brain bleed I was quickly taken up to ICU and was sadated. The vascular neuro-surgeon ran tests and determined that my bleed was caused by a Perimesencephalic hemorrage. This hemorrage is really rare and they do not know what causes it; however, I did not have to have brain surgery because the hemorrage will decrease over time and I will experience painful headaches for weeks. This is also a form of a stroke because it is a brain bleed and is 50 percent of the time fatal. Thankfully my body was in good condition todeal with all of the procedures and I was in the hospital for five days. It effected my coordination on my left side and I'm very sore from the waist down which is neurologic. I will be seeing my internal medicince doctor every two weeks, physical therapy three times a week, and a neurologist to help me cope with the painful headaches. Currently I'm unable to bend over, lift beyond 10lbs, and no straining. My body hurts so bad that I have trouble sleeping but my doctor yesterday prescribed some good drugs for me. There was no way that I saw this brain bleed coming it just all of the sudden happened. The neuro-surgeon told me I should feel lucky that I can still swallow because his last patient ended up with a feeding tube for life.

This whole thing has been both physcially painful and emotionally scary. Kirk and I feel like we have not processed it all but it will take along time. I ask you as my friend and family members to please be patient with me, and if I do not feel like going out and doing an activity with you or even talking it is because I'm physically and emotionally spent. I just need time and right now there are a team of professionals who are helping us. Please also continue to pray for us. Your prayers have been felt. I have also enjoyed all of the e-mails, calls, flowers, meals, and visits. I truly know that I'm loved. I will also in the upcoming months still need my cheerleaders cheering me on. As many of you know, I'm active so this is going to be difficult, but I know at the end of this joourney I will be happy and learned some more life lessons. I also ask each of you since I'm not able to do a lot with my children to please give them a hug and extra attention. It was very devasting for me to miss Zachary's first day of school, but he has a wonderful teacher and we have wonderful friends who have stepped in and helped him. His teacher tells me that he is doing awesome! Again Kirk and I thank you for all of the love and support! I'll ocassionally post about my healing journey. Tonight I'm thankful to be alive!

Love,
Heidi