With everything that has been going on with Bella I have not responded much to my recovery. The other day I realized that in two weeks I celebrate another two years of life. This year I wish to write about a profound talk that I heard eight weeks later after the brain bleed. This talk greatly impacted my life post-stroke, and it was what I needed to hear to help me to start to accept what happened to me and how my life now was changed.
Looking back I recognized how much denial I was in and I did not want to think about what recovery laid in front of me. Instead I viewed this as something that was very temporary and I would bounce back to myself. Nevertheless eight weeks later I believe I was beginning to see that the stroke did change my life and my family's life.
I recall laying in bed one night early October of 2011. Kirk had brought in the lap top and I was responding to emails and messages people had left me on facebook. I remember as I was looking at facebook and my emails I realized that people were concerned, but yet they were out having fun and enjoying time with family and friends. I recall looking at a friend's photos, who was on a vacation, and it appeared that she was having the time of her life. Other friends were out helping their children, going on dates with their husbands, running marathons, and doing what they wanted to do. After looking at this I informed Kirk that I could no longer stand watching others having fun while I was stuck at home dealing with powerful headaches, low energy, attending therapies, and just doing well to read a story to my children. Then I got up to go and take a shower. I was wearing a T-shirt ,and I took a look at my upper left arm and noticed a deformity that I did not have prior to the stroke. Nobody ever k new about this except for Kirk and Dr. Piker. However, my recent trip back to Idaho I showed a couple of my relatives and shared with them that I could not stand looking at my upper left arm. Needless to say, people told me that it was not that bad but I believed and felt it was bad. I have not wanted anyone to see this and thankfully the beta blockers cause me to feel cold so my arm is always covered, however, I'm now discovering that it is ok for people to see it.
Back to October of 2011, I just read all of this online and then for the first time saw my left arm in the mirror. Tears welled up in my eyes and I shared with Kirk that my life was bad and why did this have to happen to me? Kirk went over to the internet and told me to listen to women's conference. I thought it was a stupid idea, but I had nothing better else to do so I sat on the bed and listened. Right when he turned it on I heard "The Forget Me Not" talk. As I listened, I felt as though the talk was written for me to listen to at that moment of my life. In the talk the speaker brought up the above points and likened it to the forget me not flower. This was one of the most profound talks I have ever listened too. Once it was over Kirk sat next me and said, " Heidi Nicole even though it seems that the world is moving forward and your life is in a paralyzed state right now the Lord has not forgotten you." Once again I cried but not because I was sad, but because I felt the love and support from my husband, but I also felt it from my Father in Heaven. I will not say that this talk took away all of my sadness, but what it do was remind me that I was not forgotten and the Lord truly understood my feelings. I now live each day by the "Forget Me Not" words.
